Get Joy from GetJoy – by Alex Cothren
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Your neighbours all have one. Your work colleagues never talk about anything else. Celebrities, star athletes and even the Pope have gotten in on the action. Yep, it’s official: GetJoy fever is sweeping the globe!
But while obtaining your very own GetJoy is just a click away, being a host with the most can be trickier business. So, if you find your jubilation turning to frustration, more despondency than joie de vivre, well we’re here to help with our top tips to get joy from GetJoy.
You Want Chips with That
Sure, GetJoy’s brain-to-brain emotion transferral system can work with a BrainNet or other non-invasive hardware. But we highly recommend that you use an internal B-chip instead, ideally one with decent processing power (EmoteCore AMX 3200 or higher). Otherwise, you’ll be missing out on the full wallop of GetJoy’s state-of-the-art JoyUs™ sensation-range. We’ve tried it both ways, and the unchipped GetJoy experience is like salad without the dressing or birthday without the cake. Not bad exactly, but you might start to wonder what all the hype is about.
Don’t Expect a Disco High
Remember: these are people, not drugs. If a quick hit is what you’re after, the hack market is flush with Hap-Apps that will send your serotonin and dopamine through the roof. Such wild highs come with a bummer downside, however, as they’ll decimate your brain’s natural reserves of these neurotransmitters, until the birth of your child just leaves you feeling mildly amused. GetJoy offers a clever solution to this modern dilemma, letting you experience someone else’s happiness without dipping into your own supplies. Neat! But it’s a smoother, steadier ride than the breathless marketing might suggest: more kitten-cuddling than pupil-dilating. Don’t go in expecting Ibiza, and you won’t be disappointed.
Home is Where the Joy Is
Not everyone is comfortable with hosting a stranger in their home. Others simply might not have the space (although keep in mind that your rundown garden shed is like a palace to most GetJoys). For such people, there is a remote hosting option, where a 24/7 video link to official GetJoy accommodation will keep you abreast of the life-changing difference your monthly payments are making. GetJoy’s powerful 7G network also ensures there’s no lag or degradation to the JoyUs™ output you’ll receive, meaning you can feel aglow from across the country, or even world! However, as nice as this option is to have in the back pocket, there’s really no substitute for witnessing the impact of your generosity first-hand. Pampering your GetJoy with a fresh pair of sheets, showing them your well-stocked fridge, or even just patting their head and telling them it’s all OK now: these are priceless moments that meld digital wizardry with the very real (it’s science!) buzz we get from being selfless and kind.
Import Output
No doubt there are plenty of struggling people within your own borders who qualify for the GetJoy program. And there are obvious advantages to hosting a local. They likely speak the same language as you, for one, and they may even share the same values. The cons vastly outweigh the pros here, though. Firstly, even the most desperate Western GetJoy lives a life that’s leaps and bounds above those in the Third World. This means achieving a satisfactory JoyUs™ output will take a lot more hustle, as your GetJoy is unlikely to get too excited by, say, running water. Then there is the plain awkwardness of hosting someone who could once have been your neighbour. Trust us: while the future may be local, you should look farther afield this time.
Take It Easy, Partner
At least at the start, your typical GetJoy really doesn’t require much more than a roof over their head, steady meals and a lack of mortar shells to max out their output. Having said that, an all-too-common mistake is to shower your GetJoy with luxuries from day one. Cheesecake! Massage chairs! Water slides! Star Wars! And, look, we absolutely get it. Nothing is more rewarding than seeing your GetJoy’s eyes light up as you initiate them into another of life’s finer pleasures. (That ping of joy you both share can be seriously addictive, too.) The problem with this sort of treat onslaught, however, is that it will vastly reduce your GetJoy’s shelf life. Before long, you’ll be stuffing their pizza crusts with caviar and Oreos in a frantic effort to extract a single droplet of happiness. Sometimes, less really is more.
Spaced Out
GetJoy’s infrastructure allows for polyhosting, in which a number of GetJoys interface with a single host. This approach can be a great strategy if handled right. While it won’t technically raise your JoyUs™ output—i.e. the outputs don’t multiply one another—each GetJoy has their own unique flavour of happiness, and they can complement one another nicely. Having multiple GetJoys is also a good backup in case one goes through a dip, as can happen from time to time. Don’t go overboard with this, though. Cramming too many GetJoys into a single space can stress them out and seriously muddy their output. For best results, we recommend a ratio of no more than one GetJoy per 4 square metres.
Leave Your Clothes On
It seems like a no-brainer, right? Your GetJoy gets to experience a nice, er, interlude in your King-size bed, while you get two toe-curlers for the price of one. But while there is nothing legally wrong about engaging intimately with a GetJoy (provided, of course, that they are of the legal age), it is still rarely a good idea. The intrusion of romance can complicate the GetJoy/host relationship, as they may get the—obviously very wrong!—impression that your hospitality comes with strings attached. Such a mix-up can significantly erode their output over time. Furthermore, many GetJoys have horrific backstories peppered with abuse, and you might accidentally end up triggering something. Stick to touching their hearts, is our motto.
Keep It Light
It is only natural to be curious about emotions other than happiness. After all, there’s a reason tear-jerking dramas or spine-chilling horror films are just as popular as comedies. But there’s an equally good reason that GetJoy chooses not to transfer these harsher feelings. Even harmless attempts to provoke your GetJoy—a fake spider on a chair perhaps, or some false news about the death of a family member—can lead to trust issues down the line. And for all of GetJoy’s general lenience with refunds, there are some very stringent clauses on faulty outputs deriving from such actions. So, don’t bother with the dark side: it’s neither ethical nor effective.
If You’ve Loved It, Let It Go
At a certain point, no matter how carefully you’ve doled out your generosities, a GetJoy’s output is going to dip. Even the previously unprivileged will eventually become conditioned to the good life. It’s human nature! This may not in and of itself be a problem: some hosts become so accustomed to having their special GetJoy around that they don’t mind a middling output. For others, however, this decrease can cause tension in the host environment that only further tanks a GetJoy’s ability to produce. Truly a vicious circle. If and when this time comes, don’t be reluctant to return your GetJoy, and don’t worry about them. It’s not the end of their road—not by any means! Back at GetJoy HQ, they’ll be re-trained to appreciate life’s simple pleasures, and before long they’ll be back experiencing joy on another lucky host’s behalf. ▼
Image: Jason Leung on Unsplash
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