The hold down – by Jenni Mazaraki
ISLAND | ONLINE ONLY
Being held underwater by a wave feels deceptively long. Takes twelve seconds for a wave to release you. And you see how easy it is: beginning at the start a tumble a bellowing out from within a holding down of your lungs and you see you see you’re almost there if only if only if – she’s coming she’s next to you around you away from you twelve seconds is all it takes they said hold your breath increase your lung capacity practice be better than you are now. In the water you’re pushed down the weight of it holds the weight of you under you are no match with your fleshy fingers to be nibbled and sucked clean from bone by the creatures who live here. She reaches but is never close a hand an arm a leg some kind of limb reaching wrapped in some version of her that you do not know that you do not need or want. What are you without her should you let her go never. Something has taken you the twelve seconds are up. Her body near yours forever she’s reaching but your body has given itself over and under you are nothing and everything you are her daughter and no one’s you are older than you should be she is younger than you for all the care was misguided took years away from both of you –
you accelerate your mother reversed a child who never learned to hold her breath for long enough to listen to the sound of your breath receding. She wished for the sinking spent years practicing until it came then tried to pray it away but no. From the shore it looks like she is there to reach you but her clawing and clasping has taken you under her panic her body an unwanted useless anchor. She cannot swim she cannot swim so how can she save you when she is at risk of drowning never learned never learned to push her fear aside so she could teach you how to live. You tumble and soak you absorb and bloat no longer the mermaid forever washed about the ocean each of you taken by currents further and further further and further away forever forever reaching taking comfort in the familiar feeling of being held
down.
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Image: Emiliano Arano - Pexels
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